What do our children wish we knew?

By: Karyn Ewart | Head of School & Founder

At a morning meeting, I posed this question to our high school students: What do they wish adults knew? What is important to them? I explained that this was their opportunity to have their voices heard and that I would try to capture their words and their experiences. Here it goes…

Some responses were funny and telling.

“Online multiplayer games cannot be paused.“

“Don’t look over a kid’s shoulder to see their phone or computer screen; it’s not stealth…it’s annoying.“

“When we’re already running late, don’t take 10 minutes to load your audiobook.“

“Don’t surpass the deadlines you set – If you say, be ready by 6, YOU need to be ready by six. Parents often say, I’ll be 30 seconds, but it’s actually 10 minutes.“

“Don’t ask your child to drive places on their own that require parallel parking when you haven’t taught them how to parallel park.“

Others were poignant.

Some students lamented that they don’t like being viewed as kids but want to be seen as people with their own views and emotions that should be considered and valued. Some shared that their feelings were often dismissed as just ephemeral, attributed to what was going on with them in the moment, versus seen as a pervasive or lasting emotion. 

Other students said that when they share a problem or feeling with their parents,  their parents often jump into problem-solving mode, versus just listening to them. They remarked that sometimes they just want to be heard and aren’t looking for their parents to fix things for them. 

When talking about the current political climate and how adults should talk about it with kids, one student stated that kids are just as scared as adults about what’s going on in our larger world. 

Another student commented that we need to live our lives in the most positive way, focusing on ourselves and our well–being. 

Still others made me think about what they were trying to communicate.

One student explained that when we (adults) have a belief, we can choose to express this belief (or not) in one of three ways: 

1. Impose our view on others
2. Be silent
3. Respectfully state our views 

They also remarked that age doesn’t signify intelligence and that older is not smarter. 

Another student stated that there is no reason why a person’s self-expression should limit their professionalism or abilities. While, in reality, it is a factor, it shouldn’t be. For example, tattoos, facial piercings, dyed hair, and grills are often considered less professional, and teens are often told that no one will hire you if you display this type of self-expression, but that’s not the case. The expectations set by social norms change. It is more acceptable now to have tattoos and piercings than it once was. 

What can we learn from our children?

So, what is the takeaway? What can we learn from our children? These were my takeaways and some ideas on how to more effectively connect with our children. 

Listen instead of trying to solve the problem

Refrain from giving unsolicited advice.

Model versus tell – our kids watch us and give much more credence to how we behave versus what we say. If we don’t walk the walk, our words seem hollow. 

Think out loud. Say what is in your head when you are problem-solving. Showing our students what we’re thinking, what we struggle with, and how we make decisions can be a powerful learning tool. 

Ask your kids for advice – have them weigh in and give their opinion. 

With independence comes responsibility. As adults, we have the freedom to create our own schedule, prioritize tasks, and decide when and what we engage in. Yet, when we give our children a direction, we usually want them to do it immediately and often get frustrated if they don’t. What if we outlined what was expected of them ahead of time and gave them some choice and flexibility on when they were expected to complete tasks? Even asking if they want to start a task in five or ten minutes gives kids a sense of control.

This comes with the caveat that life happens. And, this goes both ways. How many times has your child asked you to pick up something for them at the last minute, because they forgot to tell you? There are times when your child may ask something of you that is inconvenient, and you have to decide, do I do it or do I let my child feel the consequence? Then, for you, can you give your child some flexibility of when they need to complete a task, with the understanding that if they don’t complete it by the agreed upon time you reserve the right to tell them that you need them to do it immediately, if they don’t comply?

At The Sycamore School, we embody a student-centered approach, offering students choices of what they work on and how they show what they know. In middle school, we focus on building skills, and in high school, we want our students to drive their learning, understand when they need help, advocate for themselves, and push themselves to be more independent. It’s a balancing act, considering student voices while also being mindful that opinions DO often change.

A funny example: at the end of the semester, we often ask students to give us feedback so that we can improve our classes. As students often are, they were brutal with their feedback and suggestions. In subsequent years, these same students reflected fondly on this class, stating that it was their favorite. 

So, what do we make of that? 

My final thought is that we need to challenge ourselves as much as we challenge our children. If we’re asking them to take on hard tasks, are we asking the same of ourselves? I want to walk the walk. So I try to really listen when given feedback. Sometimes it hurts. It hits a sore spot. It is a reminder of what I still need to work on. However, it’s also a gift, allowing me to do better and be better.